Three years ago, are you kidding?

I revisited my post "Moments of Clarity", not realizing that it is almost three years old! Things have changed in my life since then, but not like I really wanted them to... This is not a bad thing though, I have come to realize that at times, the things you think you don't want are actually a blessing in disguise. These "blessings" I believe are putting me on a path towards a happier and more rewarding life. I guess that I'm finding that no matter how "in control" you think you are of your own life, it really doesn't mean anything because life can throw you curve balls, or roll you out of control at anytime, and it's only in those times when you dig down deep and deal with things that find out what you have in you, and what in life is really important. Hard times fall on everyone, and if you think that they fall on you more than anyone in the world you are not alone in that thinking, just keep in mind that if you learn from it, and grow, then maybe those times weren't has hard and dark as you thought.

Blockage....

I feel I have them in me, words, thoughts, things I want to express. They are swirling about within my heart and soul in anticipation of escape, yet I can't find a way to let them out. I have spent so long now trying to be someone else for someone else that I have lost my way, I have built my own little version of the Berlin Wall within my soul to inhibit the expression of all that is me just not to tip the scales, but now that the wrath of that influence no longer poses a threat, I find I am still blocked. My fingers do not flow over the keyboard like I want them to, my brain does not convert what I am feeling inside into thought that I can express. I am mentally and emotionally constipated. The wall inside is so large and formidable I do not know where to start picking away at it. It will come though, and hopefully soon, I feel liberation on the horizon.

Roller Coasters and Egg Shells

I hate the way I feel, like a roller coaster raging on it's tracks inside an egg shell. Inside a giant fucking Humpty Dumpty sleepwalking through life just waiting to wake up any second, but it never happens, coaster raging, sparking on it's tracks, teetering to and fro. Some times I just want it to derail and destroy everything because I don't know if the shell can take much more of this chaos. Yet no matter how close to the edge things come it won't break, the shell will never break, it may crack, but will never break. That is what the power of having people depend on you will do. It can be mind numbing, exhausting, insomnia, "copy of a copy of a copy", but it is still power, it is strength in it's own form. Many people have different forms of strength, muscles, wit, money. Mine is in the form of devotion. Devotion to the love of another, but not just any other, but one who depends on my existence. If I ever fail that, Humpty is dead, all for nothing. I can't afford to fail.