Three years ago, are you kidding?

I revisited my post "Moments of Clarity", not realizing that it is almost three years old! Things have changed in my life since then, but not like I really wanted them to... This is not a bad thing though, I have come to realize that at times, the things you think you don't want are actually a blessing in disguise. These "blessings" I believe are putting me on a path towards a happier and more rewarding life. I guess that I'm finding that no matter how "in control" you think you are of your own life, it really doesn't mean anything because life can throw you curve balls, or roll you out of control at anytime, and it's only in those times when you dig down deep and deal with things that find out what you have in you, and what in life is really important. Hard times fall on everyone, and if you think that they fall on you more than anyone in the world you are not alone in that thinking, just keep in mind that if you learn from it, and grow, then maybe those times weren't has hard and dark as you thought.

Blockage....

I feel I have them in me, words, thoughts, things I want to express. They are swirling about within my heart and soul in anticipation of escape, yet I can't find a way to let them out. I have spent so long now trying to be someone else for someone else that I have lost my way, I have built my own little version of the Berlin Wall within my soul to inhibit the expression of all that is me just not to tip the scales, but now that the wrath of that influence no longer poses a threat, I find I am still blocked. My fingers do not flow over the keyboard like I want them to, my brain does not convert what I am feeling inside into thought that I can express. I am mentally and emotionally constipated. The wall inside is so large and formidable I do not know where to start picking away at it. It will come though, and hopefully soon, I feel liberation on the horizon.

Roller Coasters and Egg Shells

I hate the way I feel, like a roller coaster raging on it's tracks inside an egg shell. Inside a giant fucking Humpty Dumpty sleepwalking through life just waiting to wake up any second, but it never happens, coaster raging, sparking on it's tracks, teetering to and fro. Some times I just want it to derail and destroy everything because I don't know if the shell can take much more of this chaos. Yet no matter how close to the edge things come it won't break, the shell will never break, it may crack, but will never break. That is what the power of having people depend on you will do. It can be mind numbing, exhausting, insomnia, "copy of a copy of a copy", but it is still power, it is strength in it's own form. Many people have different forms of strength, muscles, wit, money. Mine is in the form of devotion. Devotion to the love of another, but not just any other, but one who depends on my existence. If I ever fail that, Humpty is dead, all for nothing. I can't afford to fail.

"A copy of a copy of a copy..."

Something I can relate to, Chuck Palahniuk's words describing his characters insomnia in his book Fight Club. It's something that I relate to down to my core at the moment. For the past year or so, I have been struggling to sleep, and it's only gotten worse in the last two or three weeks.
My shitty work schedule doesn't help, 3:45am get up.4am to the bus. Uncomfortable, bumpy sleep on the noisy bus, stale with the breath of 20 strangers from 4:45-6am. Work 6:30am-4:30pm. More uncomfortable napping until 6pm. Home. Shower. Eat. Sit. Try to sleep around 9pm if I'm lucky. Toss until after midnight sometime. 3 hours of sleep. Repeat cycle.
Go like this for a couple of weeks and you start to feel like you are falling apart at the seams. You are cognitive of your surroundings, but at the same time it's like your in a little invisible cocoon, sounds are muffled people and objects seem distant. I have found that sleep pills, anything labeled "pm" on the bottle only provides half-ass relief. I need to find something to center me, some thing I can do, some kind of release, this, when I find it will be my only salvation for sleep. I need this, I want it, but I have no idea what in the hell it is.
Until I find it, I leave you, with my bloodshot, darkened eyes sinking into my skull. I am tired, worn, and breaking. I am in search of salvation from this uncontrollable terror, wish me luck.

At The Gates

It's been awhile since I have been in here to clear my mind, and I think I'm overdue. But that's not what I'm here for at the moment. I'm here to let "him" know he is welcome in the realm of my mind, who you may ask, who is this mysterious character, he is Man. Welcome Man.

Moments of Clarity

I just recently got back from vacation, and was not ready to come home (who ever is though). But honestly, if I had my way I would have never came back. I didn't go anywhere exotic, foreign, or touristy, just a normal place where people lead normal lives. It is a place I see myself in when I close my eyes, and not just because it's different, but because when I am there everything feels right. The trip in itself was like a moment of clarity. I realized that even if I don't end up there, I need to change a lot of things here, that I need to start taking actions to take my life into my own hands rather than to let life roll me where pleases and just being satisfied with that. I'm not happy that way. It won't be easy, but then again what ever is? Sometimes you just need to get the hell away and readjust your focus to be able to see the big picture.

Looking Ahead

I have been stretched pretty thin this year so far with things going on in my personal life, trying to improve my home, and with work especially. I don't really feel like I've had many opportunities this year to just relax, or take time to myself, and I always feel tired, which in turn makes me just want to be lazy when I have down time. I've been consciously trying to change gears these last couple of weeks until I hit a bump in the road with my work schedule and now I'm off track, but looking ahead towards just what the doctor ordered, a 2 week vacation. Yes, off to cooler weather, the ocean, beautiful scenery, and good food, all the ingredients needed to take me away from my current state of mind, a turning point in the year where I can come back with a new outlook on things, and a better attitude.

As the days slowly grind by, all I can think of is waking up at 4 am on my Saturday (a day of which I ritualistically sleep in), and hitting the road for 2 days of driving. Most people detest the "travel" portion of their vacations and only covet the destination, but for me, it's all or nothing. I love the open road, the thrill of what you may see, or who you may meet along the way. In a way, getting there is like its own little adventure, where at the end you find the treasure that is your vacation destination. I usually take that time on the road to just let go of everything in my life so that when I get to where I'm going it's like starting a new life with no strings attached, no stress, and no mental baggage. This weekend cannot come any sooner.

So far I have zero readers, but if there are any while I'm out, I will be back with more soon. Never the less, zero readers is fine with me, this blog is like my minds Fortress of Solitude. I can come here anytime and unload all the things going on in there, clear my thoughts. Before I never quite understood what the buzz about blogging, but now that I have discovered it, I find it relaxing. In the words of Edward Norton in one of the all time greatest movies in my opinion, Fight Club, "I'm addicted, babies don't sleep this good."

Copycatting, but it's fun.

I was browing blogs today, and came across this list of things, and you are supposed to highlight what you've done on the list. I found it interesting, so here it is.

Highlight the ones you've done...

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink

02. Swam with wild dolphins

03. Climbed a mountain

04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive

05. Been inside the Great Pyramid

06. Held a tarantula

07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone

08. Said 'I love you' and meant it

09. Hugged a tree

10. Bungee jumped

11. Visited Paris

12. Watched a lightning storm at sea

13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise

14. Seen the Northern Lights

15. Gone to a huge sports game

16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa

17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables

18. Touched an iceberg

19. Slept under the stars

20. Changed a baby's diaper

21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon

22. Watched a meteor shower

23. Gotten drunk on champagne

24. Given more than you can afford to charity

25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope

26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment

27. Had a food fight

28. Bet on a winning horse

29. Asked out a stranger

30. Had a snowball fight

31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can

32. Held a lamb

33. Seen a total eclipse

34. Ridden a roller coaster

35. Hit a home run

36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking

37. Adopted an accent for an entire day

38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment

39. Had two hard drives for your computer

40. Visited all 50 states

41. Taken care of someone who was shit faced

42. Had amazing friends

43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country

44. Watched wild whales

45. Stolen a sign

46. Backpacked in Europe

47. Taken a road-trip

48. Gone rock climbing

49. Midnight walk on the beach

50. Gone sky diving

51. Visited Ireland

52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love

53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them

54. Visited Japan

55. Milked a cow

56. Alphabetized your CDs

57. Pretended to be a superhero

58. Sung karaoke

59. Lounged around in bed all day

60. Posed nude in front of strangers

61. Gone scuba diving

62. Kissed in the rain

63. Played in the mud

64. Played in the rain

65. Gone to a drive-in theater

66. Visited the Great Wall of China

67. Started a business

68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken

69. Toured ancient sites

70. Taken a martial arts class

71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight

72. Gotten married

73. Been in a movie

74. Crashed a party

75. Gotten divorced

76. Gone without food for 5 days

77. Made cookies from scratch

78. Won first prize in a costume contest

79. Ridden a gondola in Venice

80. Gotten a tattoo

81. Rafted the Snake River

82. Been on television news programs as an "expert"

83. Got flowers for no reason

84. Performed on stage

85. Been to Las Vegas

86. Recorded music

87. Eaten shark

88. Had a one-night stand

89. Gone to Thailand

90. Bought a house

91. Been in a combat zone

92. Buried one/both of your parents

93. Been on a cruise ship

94. Spoken more than one language fluently

95. Performed in Rocky Horror

96. Raised children

97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour

98. Created and named your own constellation of stars

99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country

100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over

101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge

102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking

103. Had plastic surgery

104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived

105. Wrote articles for a large publication

106. Lost over 100 pounds

107. Held someone while they were having a flashback

108. Piloted an airplane

109. Petted a stingray

110. Broken someone's heart

111. Helped an animal give birth

112. Won money on a T.V. game show

113. Broken a bone

114. Gone on an African photo safari

115. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced

116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol

117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild

118. Ridden a horse

119. Had major surgery

120. Had a snake as a pet

121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon

122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours

123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states

124. Visited all 7 continents

125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days

126. Eaten kangaroo meat

127. Eaten sushi

128. Had your picture in the newspaper

129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about

130. Gone back to school

131. Parasailed

132. Petted a cockroach

133. Eaten fried green tomatoes

134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey

135. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read

136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

137. Skipped all your school reunions

138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language

139. Been elected to public office

140. Written your own computer language

141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream

142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care

143. Built your own PC from parts

144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you

145. Had a booth at a street fair

146: Dyed your hair

147: Been a DJ

148: Shaved your head

149: Caused a car accident

150: Saved someone's lifeI really thought I had done more things on this list. Hmmm...Now it's your turn! Leave a comment and let me know that you did this!

They are out there

There are times when I feel that life tends to be too much for it's own good. The infinite variables that you encounter and live with are just overwhelming at times, and I feel like I am wondering about this world deaf, blind, and dumb at times. I know I probably shelter myself too much, but it's an easy thing to do when you live in a rut with a certain comfort zone, where you know if you stick steadily to it, all will be safe. I know that's no way to live, I just need to break out and start taking chances. There are so many opportunities for love and happiness that tempt a person like me to break away from that safe little place, yet I just let them slide by. For instance, EVERYONE has a person they see around during everyday life that they are attracted to, and there is always a mutual smile, but for some reason you don't ever talk to them, and then when it's too late you always wonder "what if". Maybe that's just life tempting you, prompting you to take a course of action, like there's a bet on it out there to wait and see what you do, if you go for it or not. And who knows, if you do, you may have found "the one" then again, maybe not. Those are the times when I am walking in my rut with my head down, deaf, blind and dumb. Those are the times when I could just kick myself in the nuts. I feel like I have passed up too many of these "opportunities" that fate presents and now I am just stuck where I am with no room to move because the "rut of safety" has gotten so tight. But then again, I'm the type that doesn't think there is just "one" out there for me, given the billions of people that inhabit the Earth at any given moment, there just has to be more than one. And I know it's never too late, but how do you break the sense of safety and start climbing out of that rut when you have been in so long? This is the point in my rant where someone slaps me in the face and tells me to stop being such a coward and that it's about time to take life by the horn, I just wish it were that easy.

I guess that's that for now at least, that's my state of mind on things, an internal battle of whether to stay on first where it's safe, or to take a chance and see if I can steel second.